Finding Meaning in Tragedy

UPDATE: After posting this, we received feedback from one of Janice's clients, Jeff W., who lives in Charleston. He wanted to let us know how the community has been responding:

"I was reading your post about the tragedy here and wanted to tell you what our experience has been. Sandy, Sophie and I have been attending many of the vigil's since it happened. To say the least, it has been an amazing, uplifting, inspiring experience for all of us. The family, friends and associates of the deceased have responded with Love and Forgiveness since day 1! Unbelievable, to say the least. We have not seen a moment of hatred, bigotry, or violence.. Sunday night, for example, we all went to the Ravenel bridge vigil where upwards of 20,000 people from all faith's and denominations showed up to join hands in unity to pray for love, forgiveness, peace and acceptance. We renamed the Ravenel to the "Bridge for Peace" for the night. The people, police, firefighters, politicians, relatives of the deceased, joined hands on the bridge to shout this message. People were high fiving, raising their hands in the peace sign. Cars traveling on the bridge were blowing their horns. Everyone had a huge smile on their faces. I was so grateful to be there. For this moment in time, from this community, a message to the world and beyond has been sent out! I am so proud to live here in Charleston County right now. I think it all started at the bond hearing for the young man who committed the crime. Relatives of the deceased attended and instead of screaming out their grief, turned to him and said, "I forgive you"! Not a new message for sure, but, in this case, a new astounding reaction to a violent act. Well, we all heard their voice. For this moment we have woken up and joined them in celebrating peace, love and forgiveness instead of hatred and violent reactions. I think God is smiling right now. I only hope this message travels far and wide and doesn't fade away too soon. It has changed many of us here in Charleston. Three cheers for this community and the people who started it!"


ORIGINAL POST: The Charleston shooting has been on the periphery of my vision. It was only today that I could really think about what it means and why it happened. To think about the horror of such an act, and how many we've had to process recently, it really is hard to come up with ways to explain it or find purpose in it.

As most of you know from working with me, the guides teach that we create the circumstances of our lives for a reason and to learn. The people who lost their lives the night of the shooting were prayerful, loving, beautiful people. Many close to them attest to their goodness and their kindness. The idea that something like this befell them, these good people, is tragic. Still, I can't help but find meaning in the fact that these people, these good people, would not have wanted their deaths to be used as fodder for hate or for fear. These good people would have wanted the tragedy of their deaths to somehow inspire connection, love, and understanding. It is with that in mind that I think we may find a way forward. It would be so understandable if people retracted, hid themselves, and stopped taking risks. Of course, a part of us wants to not face the problems in our society that need fixing at all; addressing mental health, race inequality, and weapon control not the least of these. How do we come to an agreement with so many dissenting voices?

Far from hiding, and playing into the illusion of our separateness; we must take this moment to connect even more to those in our community, to cross boundaries, and to stop being afraid of that which we don't have much experience with. Often, when we approach the thing we have anxiety about; all fear drops away and we are left wondering why we were afraid in the first place! We are so afraid of being judged, of not being accepted; sometimes we stop trying. Fostering our own worth of self and continuing to be an emissary for light in this world, despite the obstacles entailed, will remove these fears. Perceived judgement cannot touch you when you know and love yourself as much as you deserve.

Help support those who who need it in finding assistance, be aware of those in our lives that are not receiving what they require and take action, support equality, bridge understanding and differences, and alter your way of life to make more time for connection: these are the things that will help us to move into a more peaceful and happier world. I believe that this is what the shooting in Charleston can teach us. Let us honor these amazing souls by endeavoring to create a better, kinder world. Maybe, if we can start to create that world, these atrocities will end.

Remember, we are all connected. If you are feeling sad or overwhelmed by emotions circulating right now, remember to bless the feeling and then shake it off and let it go. You will be better able to handle everything from a place of quiet.

Thank you so much Jeff for sharing this with us and for sharing your love with the community of Charleston. It's people like you and your family that are really doing the work of bringing everyone to the next level!

5 Ways to Feel Better Now!

Sometimes we are so trapped in the moment that we fail to see the easy ways we can begin to shift our mood.  One of the most basic components of our emotional world are our thoughts.  Thoughts can lead to emotional reactions.  Recognizing what we are thinking, being aware of our inner monologue and what we are saying to ourselves, especially the repetitive statements is incredibly important.  Unfortunately, the nature of the brain is that frequently used pathways become stronger.  That's why practicing is so important when it comes to playing an instrument.  The repetitive motion of your fingers on the guitar or piano creates links in the brain that increase processing and reaction to the visual and audio cues you are creating, making it easier to play and improvise. We forget that those same idea would mean that what we are thinking is what we will be feeling and creating.  If we're constantly engaging in negative self talk, our experience of the world will be more negative.  So many studies have shown that our mental attitude is important for how we feel about our lives.  If we feel people are untrustworthy, if we see the world as cruel; we tend to only see the evidence for our beliefs, and completely discount anything that contradicts our strongly held belief.  If we believe our family takes us for granted, we put much more weight on the times that they did not come through for us than the times that they did.  So what, they cooked us dinner?  Came to our baseball games? Went out of the way to listen to my problems?  They're supposed to do that, they're family.

The experiences we code as "negative" impact us so much more than "positive" as well.  Studies show that troubling images and negative words impact the brain 5xs as much as good or uplifting images or words.  Why is that?  Scientists postulate that it may have to do with survival.  Threats to our livelihood needed to have a greater impact on our minds so we could take swift action.


So what does all this mean for feeling better?  On the bright side, it means that your emotions are pliable, and that a little bit of effort can completely alter our mental state.  Many times we just accept our feelings and think there is nothing we can do to change it.  "It is what it is!" We say.  That's where a perspective shift can come in handy.  Here are some simple ways to feel better now, right now.

1.  Write down how you are feeling.
Grab a paper and pen, or sit at the computer, and just begin to write it all down.  Thoughts carry an energy that can be released when you express them.  Writing, especially, is wonderful for this because getting your thoughts down linearly make them easier to process.  Sometimes, when we are upset, we get into circular thinking in which we are constantly thinking about the problem.  Simply write them down, put them in an email to us if you want! (miylana@aol.com) Try to use the space of writing to process where the thoughts and feelings are coming from.

2.  Shake it off.
Literally! No really!  Get up.  This is so helpful whether you are feeling angry or sad.   Put on some high tempo music and just shake it off.  Move around.  Dance if you want to.  Allow yourself to really express the anger and try to visually imagine physical energy dropping off you into the ground where it can be processed.  If you're feeling sad, watch that sluggish grief fall away and reveal the abundance of joy you have at your core.

3.  Go out in nature.
Nature has such a healing and beneficial effect on us.  Studies show that just 20 minutes in nature can greatly change the way our brain is processing information.  Go someplace quiet and sit.  Notice the natural world around you.  Or go for a walk, and let the movement and changing landscape help to quiet your mind.  We often forget that we are an aspect of nature that has, for many of us, removed ourselves from the natural world.  Being in a natural setting calls to the part of us that is nature itself.  Did you know the mineral compositions found in the ocean are also found in the human body, at the same percentages?  This fact alone implies just how much apart of nature we are; and how much it is apart of us.

4.  Imagine being someplace peaceful.
If you can't leave for a walk or dance, maybe you are at work, then go someplace for 10 minutes and visualize somewhere that makes you happy and is peaceful. Breathe deep, and imagine being there.  Studies show that the areas of the brain in charge of perception and the areas of the brain responsible for imagination are very similar.  That means that our brains don't necessarily know the difference between when we see the beach when we are there on the weekend, and when we are imagining being at the beach when we are actually sitting at the desk.  Conjure the feeling of your special place with all of your five senses.  The imagination is incredibly powerful.  Think about what this means when you are imagining potential negative scenarios in your mind or watching negative TV- your brain may think that those bad things are actually happening to you and may create a stress response in you.  And we wonder why we are stressed out!?

5.  Think positive thoughts.
If these other options aren't working for you, then we suggest consciously thinking positive thoughts or words.  Affirmations are an example of positive thinking that helps to re-wire a brain that is used to negative thinking.  You have to start somewhere!  Look at happy videos online, or funny pictures.  Surround yourself in your office and home with images that make you happy or are inspiring to you.  Even just thinking positive words like beauty, love, kindness, gentleness, caring, joy, abundance, happiness, and etc. can start to do the work of creating a neutral mindset, if not a positive one.  Remember that negative experiences have 5x the impact of positive ones, so that means it will take 5xs the effort to set you just back to neutrality after something that's upset you, like an argument or a stressful car ride, etc.

The thing that is most distressing is when people don't do these simple tasks to feel better because they don't think it's worth it, or think that they don't deserve to feel better.  The simple fact that these exercises work is proof enough to me that it is your right to feel better! Why else would it be so easy to alter your attitude?  If you can do it, why wouldn't you do it?  Your mind is a bundle of synapses and chemicals that work together to create a rough estimation of what's happening around and to you.  For the most part, many of us just let it do it's thing and think that if we are feeling bad, we must deserve it on some level.  Why else would we be feeling this way?  Studies show though, that so much of those emotions are arbitrary, or dictated by survival instincts that aren't compatible with today's world.  We can use the way our minds' work to improve our lives, so let's do it!  You deserve to feel good.  All it takes is a change of perspective!  Let me know how it goes!

Why It's Important to Take Care of Yourself.

Recently, many clients have been saying that they feel pulled towards helping others. People are feeling more altruistic, and like that is where there passion and purpose lies. And that's wonderful! We're becoming so much better at reading each other. Caring for each other is a wonderful step towards moving the world in the direction it needs to go!

What happens, though, is that sometimes in our effort to assist others; we run ourselves ragged. We forget to take care of ourselves.

Taking care of ourselves is so important now. We are all connected, so even if you are bending over backwards to help another; if you yourself don't feel good, they can (and do!) absorb that feeling. This wonderful article on emotional contagions from Psychology Today cites many studies that show when someone is feeling unhappy, the people around them can begin to feel bad too! It is much easier to bring people down than it is to build them up. If you feel tired, it is much more likely that someone's bad mood will effect you. Protecting yourself from another's moods and anxiety is important but challenging if you're overwhelmed. Conjuring the presence of mind and awareness that someone around you is affecting you is much harder if you are tired, or are not feeling fulfilled yourself.

As much as some of us would like to, we cannot actually take care of others to the extent we would like. We cannot make others happy, we cannot truly help them to feel better. In the end, everyone's personal happiness is the result of their own choice.  All of you have met people we can see have met with incredible challenges who face each day with exuberance and gratitude. We have, also, all known people who have been given much help and benefits in life who are miserable and seem stuck. What is the difference between these two people? It is their own attitude. While it is so tempting to think that if we just gave more, we might be able to convince someone to change for the better, or give up harmful habits; all we can really do is let them know that we care and express our love in our words and deeds. If you are constantly putting yourself last after others, you are doing yourself - and them - a disservice.

In the end, the only person who can make you happy is yourself! Taking care of yourself, doing what you need to do to feel better and making yourself a priority is a wonderful way to inspire other's to do the same. Give permission to yourself to feel good, and you'll be a better influence on the people in your life to take care of themselves. What's more, even if people act like they need the help, your running around doing everything for them can sometimes make others feel guilty, like they are incapable themselves, or makes them feel like they should do the same. Everyone is running, and no one is getting anywhere. There are many reasons we do this.


We feel like we have to keep up.
We don't feel like we deserve to rest or feel good while others are working so hard or feeling bad.
We simply forget to stop and take a breather.
We feel like there is too much to do.
We don't recognize that we need a break.
We fear other's judgement.
We don't want to look at something we've been avoiding.
We think there is someone in our lives who won't let us take a break.


In the end, we must give ourselves permission to relax. Feel like you don't have time? Go somewhere, close the door, and take 10 minutes to just sit. Look at your schedule, and see if you can't rearrange it for something you enjoy that you haven't been able to do recently, even if all that entails is taking a bubble bath and reading a favorite book. If it's been awhile since you've done something for yourself, and you can't really remember what it is that used to help you to relax then take the time to sit down and remember the last time you truly felt at peace and try to recreate that.

You really are not a help to anyone a stressed out basket case. Just like you want the people in your life that you care about to be happy; they also want you to be happy. Why do we feel like we have to do it all? It is time to slow down and go within. You need fuel to do everything you want to do, so that means letting your system rest. We can help each other much more easily if we have the resources and energy to do so. So, go take some time for you!